| Copyright (c) 2008 Debra Sale Wendler | | | | get overwhelmed, say "I need five minutes to |
| Children with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity | | | | decide what to do with you." Calm down and |
| disorder), ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), | | | | return in exactly five minutes. That's modeling |
| bipolar, autism, Asperger's syndrome, and | | | | self-control. (And you win.) |
| PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - | | | | 4. Refuse to raise your voice. If he's out of |
| Not Otherwise Specified), can be very difficult. If | | | | control, try whispering. If he unnerves you enough |
| your child has one of these conditions, he may | | | | that you raise your voice, he wins again. |
| try to push your buttons so you lose control and | | | | 5. Refuse to beg, bribe, or nag. Or your child will |
| he wins. The only way out of this gridlock is to | | | | think you're weak, and he wins. Praise him when |
| develop some refusal tactics of your own. | | | | you catch him being good. And give him a chance |
| Adopt these winning tactics that soothe your child | | | | to win by improving his behavior. |
| and elevate your parenting style: | | | | 6. Refuse to hit, spank, or threaten. You already |
| 1. Refuse to argue. Your child's first line of | | | | know that these methods do not work. Your child |
| defense (and distraction from the real issue at | | | | sees your attempt to use these methods as |
| hand) is to start an argument. Counter his | | | | weakness (and he wins again). |
| defensive tactic with your calm logic. | | | | You need to motivate your child to improve his |
| For example, if you child doesn't want to do the | | | | behavior and win your praise and attention. |
| dishes, he may say, "I didn't eat any of that | | | | You can remote control your child's behavior with |
| stupid dinner so I'm not doing the stupid dishes." | | | | a token system, also called a behavior chart. |
| You can say, "I hear you. The chore chart shows | | | | The secret is to find one that is easy to use. |
| clearly that you wash dinner dishes this week. | | | | Some are too complicated. |
| Please start now." If you weaken and argue, he | | | | 7. Refuse to hold grudges or gripe about the past. |
| wins. | | | | It's impossible to change the past, so it's unfair for |
| 2. Refuse to cater, coddle, or pamper your child | | | | you to harp on it. If you do, your child is entitled |
| when he is disagreeable. Otherwise he'll think, "I | | | | to have a tantrum. (And he wins.) |
| must be the prince, and you must be the | | | | All you have is the present. What you do right |
| doormat. Why else would you cater to me when | | | | now builds your future, and your child's, so make |
| I treat you lower than the rattlesnake's belly?" | | | | it count. |
| Your child's second line of defense may be to | | | | You Can Solve This. |
| throw a tantrum or act out. | | | | Your calmer cooler response will be so surprising |
| This is a control tactic plain and simple. Your child | | | | that your child will admire and respect your |
| can control this. Counter his defensive tactic by | | | | patience and strength of character. Then and only |
| withdrawing your attention. Calmly clear other | | | | then will he trust you enough to learn from you. |
| children, pets, and breakables from his tantrum | | | | You both win. |
| area, and move to another room. Without | | | | I invite you to use these methods to transform |
| attention, he will get bored quickly with his | | | | quickly from reactive parent to surprisingly calm |
| tantrum. | | | | cool and collected parent worthy of attention and |
| 3. Refuse to get emotionally overwhelmed. If you | | | | respect. |