| Copyright (c) 2008 Debra Sale Wendler | | | | overwhelmed. If you get overwhelmed, say |
| Children with ADHD (attention deficit | | | | "I need five minutes to decide what to |
| hyperactivity disorder), ODD | | | | do with you." Calm down and return in |
| (oppositional defiant disorder), | | | | exactly five minutes. That's modeling |
| bipolar, autism, Asperger's syndrome, | | | | self-control. (And you win.) |
| and PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental | | | | 4. Refuse to raise your voice. If he's |
| Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified), can | | | | out of control, try whispering. If he |
| be very difficult. If your child has | | | | unnerves you enough that you raise your |
| one of these conditions, he may try to | | | | voice, he wins again. |
| push your buttons so you lose control | | | | 5. Refuse to beg, bribe, or nag. Or your |
| and he wins. The only way out of this | | | | child will think you're weak, and he |
| gridlock is to develop some refusal | | | | wins. Praise him when you catch him |
| tactics of your own. | | | | being good. And give him a chance to win |
| Adopt these winning tactics that soothe | | | | by improving his behavior. |
| your child and elevate your parenting | | | | 6. Refuse to hit, spank, or threaten. |
| style: | | | | You already know that these methods do |
| 1. Refuse to argue. Your child's first | | | | not work. Your child sees your attempt |
| line of defense (and distraction from | | | | to use these methods as weakness (and he |
| the real issue at hand) is to start an | | | | wins again). |
| argument. Counter his defensive tactic | | | | You need to motivate your child to |
| with your calm logic. | | | | improve his behavior and win your praise |
| For example, if you child doesn't want | | | | and attention. |
| to do the dishes, he may say, "I didn't | | | | You can remote control your child's |
| eat any of that stupid dinner so I'm not | | | | behavior with a token system, also |
| doing the stupid dishes." You can say, | | | | called a behavior chart. |
| "I hear you. The chore chart shows | | | | The secret is to find one that is easy |
| clearly that you wash dinner dishes this | | | | to use. Some are too complicated. |
| week. Please start now." If you weaken | | | | 7. Refuse to hold grudges or gripe about |
| and argue, he wins. | | | | the past. It's impossible to change the |
| 2. Refuse to cater, coddle, or pamper | | | | past, so it's unfair for you to harp on |
| your child when he is disagreeable. | | | | it. If you do, your child is entitled to |
| Otherwise he'll think, "I must be the | | | | have a tantrum. (And he wins.) |
| prince, and you must be the doormat. Why | | | | All you have is the present. What you do |
| else would you cater to me when I treat | | | | right now builds your future, and your |
| you lower than the rattlesnake's belly?" | | | | child's, so make it count. |
| Your child's second line of defense may | | | | You Can Solve This. |
| be to throw a tantrum or act out. | | | | Your calmer cooler response will be so |
| This is a control tactic plain and | | | | surprising that your child will admire |
| simple. Your child can control this. | | | | and respect your patience and strength |
| Counter his defensive tactic by | | | | of character. Then and only then will he |
| withdrawing your attention. Calmly clear | | | | trust you enough to learn from you. You |
| other children, pets, and breakables | | | | both win. |
| from his tantrum area, and move to | | | | I invite you to use these methods to |
| another room. Without attention, he will | | | | transform quickly from reactive parent |
| get bored quickly with his tantrum. | | | | to surprisingly calm cool and collected |
| 3. Refuse to get emotionally | | | | parent worthy of attention and respect. |