| Copyright (c) 2008 Debra Sale Wendler | | | | modeling self-control. (And you win.) |
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| Children with ADHD (attention deficit | | | | 4. Refuse to raise your voice. If he's out of |
| hyperactivity disorder), ODD (oppositional | | | | control, try whispering. If he unnerves you |
| defiant disorder), bipolar, autism, | | | | enough that you raise your voice, he wins |
| Asperger's syndrome, and PDD-NOS (Pervasive | | | | again. |
| Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise | | | | |
| Specified), can be very difficult. If your | | | | 5. Refuse to beg, bribe, or nag. Or your |
| child has one of these conditions, he may try | | | | child will think you're weak, and he wins. |
| to push your buttons so you lose control and | | | | Praise him when you catch him being good. And |
| he wins. The only way out of this gridlock is | | | | give him a chance to win by improving his |
| to develop some refusal tactics of your own. | | | | behavior. |
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| Adopt these winning tactics that soothe your | | | | 6. Refuse to hit, spank, or threaten. You |
| child and elevate your parenting style: | | | | already know that these methods do not work. |
| | | | Your child sees your attempt to use these |
| 1. Refuse to argue. Your child's first line | | | | methods as weakness (and he wins again). |
| of defense (and distraction from the real | | | | |
| issue at hand) is to start an argument. | | | | You need to motivate your child to improve |
| Counter his defensive tactic with your calm | | | | his behavior and win your praise and |
| logic. | | | | attention. |
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| For example, if you child doesn't want to do | | | | You can remote control your child's behavior |
| the dishes, he may say, "I didn't eat any of | | | | with a token system, also called a behavior |
| that stupid dinner so I'm not doing the | | | | chart. |
| stupid dishes." You can say, "I hear you. | | | | |
| The chore chart shows clearly that you wash | | | | The secret is to find one that is easy to |
| dinner dishes this week. Please start now." | | | | use. Some are too complicated. |
| If you weaken and argue, he wins. | | | | |
| | | | 7. Refuse to hold grudges or gripe about the |
| 2. Refuse to cater, coddle, or pamper your | | | | past. It's impossible to change the past, so |
| child when he is disagreeable. Otherwise | | | | it's unfair for you to harp on it. If you do, |
| he'll think, "I must be the prince, and you | | | | your child is entitled to have a tantrum. |
| must be the doormat. Why else would you cater | | | | (And he wins.) |
| to me when I treat you lower than the | | | | |
| rattlesnake's belly?" | | | | All you have is the present. What you do |
| | | | right now builds your future, and your |
| Your child's second line of defense may be to | | | | child's, so make it count. |
| throw a tantrum or act out. | | | | |
| | | | You Can Solve This. |
| This is a control tactic plain and simple. | | | | |
| Your child can control this. Counter his | | | | Your calmer cooler response will be so |
| defensive tactic by withdrawing your | | | | surprising that your child will admire and |
| attention. Calmly clear other children, pets, | | | | respect your patience and strength of |
| and breakables from his tantrum area, and | | | | character. Then and only then will he trust |
| move to another room. Without attention, he | | | | you enough to learn from you. You both win. |
| will get bored quickly with his tantrum. | | | | |
| | | | I invite you to use these methods to |
| 3. Refuse to get emotionally overwhelmed. If | | | | transform quickly from reactive parent to |
| you get overwhelmed, say "I need five minutes | | | | surprisingly calm cool and collected parent |
| to decide what to do with you." Calm down and | | | | worthy of attention and respect. |
| return in exactly five minutes. That's | | | | |