| Copyright (c) 2008 Debra Sale Wendler
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| | minutes to decide what to do with you."
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| Children with ADHD (attention deficit
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| | Calm down and return in exactly five
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| hyperactivity disorder), ODD
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| | minutes. That's modeling self-control.
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| (oppositional defiant disorder), bipolar,
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| | (And you win.)
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| autism, Asperger's syndrome, and PDD-NOS
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| | 4. Refuse to raise your voice. If he's
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| (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not
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| | out of control, try whispering. If he
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| Otherwise Specified), can be very
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| | unnerves you enough that you raise your
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| difficult. If your child has one of
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| | voice, he wins again.
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| these conditions, he may try to push your
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| | 5. Refuse to beg, bribe, or nag. Or your
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| buttons so you lose control and he wins.
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| | child will think you're weak, and he
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| The only way out of this gridlock is to
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| | wins. Praise him when you catch him being
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| develop some refusal tactics of your own.
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| | good. And give him a chance to win by
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| Adopt these winning tactics that soothe
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| | improving his behavior.
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| your child and elevate your parenting
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| | 6. Refuse to hit, spank, or threaten.
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| style:
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| | You already know that these methods do
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| 1. Refuse to argue. Your child's first
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| | not work. Your child sees your attempt to
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| line of defense (and distraction from the
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| | use these methods as weakness (and he
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| real issue at hand) is to start an
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| | wins again).
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| argument. Counter his defensive tactic
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| | You need to motivate your child to
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| with your calm logic.
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| | improve his behavior and win your praise
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| For example, if you child doesn't want to
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| | and attention.
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| do the dishes, he may say, "I didn't eat
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| | You can remote control your child's
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| any of that stupid dinner so I'm not
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| | behavior with a token system, also called
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| doing the stupid dishes." You can say,
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| | a behavior chart.
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| "I hear you. The chore chart shows
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| | The secret is to find one that is easy to
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| clearly that you wash dinner dishes this
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| | use. Some are too complicated.
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| week. Please start now." If you weaken
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| | 7. Refuse to hold grudges or gripe about
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| and argue, he wins.
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| | the past. It's impossible to change the
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| 2. Refuse to cater, coddle, or pamper
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| | past, so it's unfair for you to harp on
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| your child when he is disagreeable.
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| | it. If you do, your child is entitled to
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| Otherwise he'll think, "I must be the
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| | have a tantrum. (And he wins.)
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| prince, and you must be the doormat. Why
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| | All you have is the present. What you do
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| else would you cater to me when I treat
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| | right now builds your future, and your
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| you lower than the rattlesnake's belly?"
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| | child's, so make it count.
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| Your child's second line of defense may
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| | You Can Solve This.
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| be to throw a tantrum or act out.
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| | Your calmer cooler response will be so
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| This is a control tactic plain and
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| | surprising that your child will admire
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| simple. Your child can control this.
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| | and respect your patience and strength of
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| Counter his defensive tactic by
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| | character. Then and only then will he
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| withdrawing your attention. Calmly clear
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| | trust you enough to learn from you. You
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| other children, pets, and breakables from
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| | both win.
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| his tantrum area, and move to another
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| | I invite you to use these methods to
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| room. Without attention, he will get
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| | transform quickly from reactive parent to
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| bored quickly with his tantrum.
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| | surprisingly calm cool and collected
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| 3. Refuse to get emotionally overwhelmed.
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| | parent worthy of attention and respect.
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| If you get overwhelmed, say "I need five
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