| When Hunter was a baby, Pat never imagined | | | | includes negotiating, bargaining, giving in, |
| parenting him would mean becoming stuck in an | | | | threatening and screaming. The problem is when |
| argument with him lasting 15 years. From the time | | | | you scream, argue or negotiate, you are giving |
| he was old enough to express himself, it seemed | | | | your child's defiance even more power. |
| that he was looking to start a fight with her. | | | | Everyone from the school psychologist to your |
| "He's a very strong-willed person," says Pat, her | | | | mother-in-law will tell you what this child needs is |
| polite demeanor belying an obvious | | | | "structure." But no one really shows you what |
| understatement. "He's manipulative, and he learned | | | | kind of structure and how to put it in place. It's |
| at a very young age how to make that work for | | | | not as easy as giving the child a time out. A child |
| him to get what he wanted." | | | | with ODD won't use the time out to change his |
| The simplest things always seem to turn into | | | | thinking. He'll use it to plot revenge. Parents have |
| huge problems because Hunter simply refuses to | | | | to change their style of parenting and mode of |
| do what he is asked to do, whether it was | | | | operation with the child. |
| brushing his teeth at age five, or raking the yard | | | | Children with ODD need structure with an |
| at age 15. The word "no" lights his fuse, especially | | | | aggressive training component that is built around |
| when in response to something he wants to do. | | | | learning how solve the problems that trigger their |
| "He's always doing these irritating things," Pat | | | | defiant behaviors. Your child becomes oppositional |
| explains, "as if he enjoys bothering you." | | | | when he is confronted with a problem and he |
| Getting out of bed in the morning is the issue | | | | can't figure out how to fix it. The problem can be |
| around which Hunter and his parents argue the | | | | anything from not wanting to get up in the |
| most. "We've had the worst time in the world | | | | morning (as in Hunter's case) to not wanting to do |
| getting him up in the morning and into the shower. | | | | homework. Screaming at the child to get out of |
| I know this is unbelievable, but he gets in the | | | | bed won't work. You need to show the child that |
| shower, stretches out in the bottom of the tub | | | | he has a problem that has to be solved and |
| with the water beating on him, and goes back to | | | | address it as such. Example: "Lying in bed after |
| sleep. From that moment on, we have to | | | | your alarm goes off won't solve your problem. It |
| micromanage his morning to get him to the bus | | | | makes you late and you miss the bus. What can |
| stop." | | | | you do to solve your problem?" |
| Recently, Hunter was diagnosed with Oppositional | | | | The focus of treatment should be on developing |
| Defiant Disorder, and Pat finally has a name for | | | | compliance and coping skills, not primarily on |
| the behavior that's been exhausting her all these | | | | self-esteem or personality. ODD is not a |
| years. Now, she needs a solution. How does a | | | | self-esteem issue; it's a problem solving issue. |
| parent stop the arguments with a child whose | | | | There's no evidence that self-esteem leads to |
| primary way of communicating is arguing? | | | | compliance, and emotions are not, in and of |
| James Lehman: A day with a child who has | | | | themselves, a way to kids to cope with their |
| Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series of battles | | | | problems. Kids get self-esteem by doing things |
| in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake | | | | that are hard for them. |
| up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they | | | | Children with ODD need a lot of strong praise and |
| have to get dressed, and doesn't end until they | | | | support as well as realistic rewards. They don't |
| fight with you over bedtime. | | | | benefit from a pat on the back for doing |
| Kids with ODD lose their temper quickly and | | | | something that's easy for them to do. They |
| often. They're easily annoyed and frustrated by | | | | should be praised for doing things that are |
| other people, resentful and hostile with adults, | | | | challenging to them. Don't create false situations |
| bossy and pushy with other kids. They blame | | | | for which to praise them to make them "feel |
| everyone else for their difficulties and make | | | | better." Parents need to learn several different |
| excuses for their inability to cope. They gravitate | | | | parenting styles that meet the needs of this child. |
| toward negative peers and tend to be sulking, | | | | You need to be less of a "cheerleader" and more |
| angry adolescents. | | | | of a trainer and coach. |
| Unrestricted free time is a breeding ground for | | | | Avoid senseless power struggles. Pick your battles |
| aggressive behavior for these children. In an | | | | with your child carefully and win the ones you |
| unstructured environment, they become annoying, | | | | pick. Many times you can win fights with this child |
| threatening or destructive to kids around them | | | | by not arguing back. When you argue with him, |
| and to adult authority figures. They will use this | | | | his resistance strengthens. Instead of arguing, set |
| time to deliberately antagonize anyone they see | | | | limits in a businesslike way and expect compliance. |
| as "in charge." | | | | Have a plan for managing your child's behavior. |
| As a parent, you can't satisfy a child with ODD, | | | | When you're going to the mall, know what you'll |
| since their thinking is irrational. They beg for your | | | | do when he acts out in the car. It's important to |
| attention and then want to be left alone. The sad | | | | lay out the rules ahead of time, when things are |
| truth is, kids with ODD aren't very likeable. | | | | calm. For instance, before you go to the mall, tell |
| Parents often feel guilty about the fact that they | | | | the child, "When you lose it in the car, it becomes |
| love their kids, but don't like being around them. | | | | dangerous for me and for everyone because it's |
| Parents get blamed for their child's oppositional | | | | distracting. So if you lose it in the car, I'm going to |
| behavior and tend to heap even more blame on | | | | pull over for five minutes, and I'm not going to |
| themselves. The parent of a child with ODD often | | | | talk to you. You'll have five minutes to get your |
| feels incompetent and isolated. They live with the | | | | act together. If, after five minutes, you have not |
| self-imposed shame that other people think | | | | regained control of yourself, then we're not going |
| they're bad parents, and that humiliation grows | | | | to the mall. We're going to turn around and go |
| larger as their world gets smaller. Left untreated, | | | | home. Have a plan you'll use if he throws a |
| Oppositional Defiant Disorder can lead to Conduct | | | | tantrum in the store or if he acts out at a family |
| Disorder, a more serious pathology that is a | | | | gathering. And be willing to follow through on the |
| precursor for anti-social behavior and criminality. | | | | plan until the child learns defiance doesn't get him |
| Of course, for many parents, ODD is not the | | | | what he wants. |
| primary issue. Rather, they are dealing with | | | | Parents dealing with ODD need a powerful mix of |
| continuous, low-level defiance that is not incendiary | | | | determination and strength. You can have a child |
| and aggressive, but is aggravating, annoying and | | | | with ODD and a peaceful home. The key is to |
| disruptive to the family. Whether the defiance has | | | | decide: Are you going to change the world for |
| turned into a diagnosis of ODD or has not, the | | | | your child or teach him to cope with it? It's not |
| parent's approach should be the same. | | | | practical or effective to try to change the world |
| How to Stop the War and Restore Peace at | | | | for your kid. But by setting limits consistently, |
| Home | | | | concisely and clearly, you will teach your child to |
| Most parents lack the tools to deal with | | | | cope with the world and succeed in it. |
| oppositional defiance. So they generally respond to | | | | Copyright 2007. EmpoweringParents. |
| this behavior with a range of responses that | | | | |