| When Hunter was a baby, Pat never imagined | | | | respond to this behavior with a range of |
| parenting him would mean becoming stuck in an | | | | responses that includes negotiating, |
| argument with him lasting 15 years. From the | | | | bargaining, giving in, threatening and |
| time he was old enough to express himself, it | | | | screaming. The problem is when you scream, |
| seemed that he was looking to start a fight | | | | argue or negotiate, you are giving your |
| with her. | | | | child's defiance even more power. |
| | | | |
| "He's a very strong-willed person," says Pat, | | | | Everyone from the school psychologist to your |
| her polite demeanor belying an obvious | | | | mother-in-law will tell you what this child |
| understatement. "He's manipulative, and he | | | | needs is "structure." But no one really shows |
| learned at a very young age how to make that | | | | you what kind of structure and how to put it |
| work for him to get what he wanted." | | | | in place. It's not as easy as giving the |
| | | | child a time out. A child with ODD won't use |
| The simplest things always seem to turn into | | | | the time out to change his thinking. He'll |
| huge problems because Hunter simply refuses | | | | use it to plot revenge. Parents have to |
| to do what he is asked to do, whether it was | | | | change their style of parenting and mode of |
| brushing his teeth at age five, or raking the | | | | operation with the child. |
| yard at age 15. The word "no" lights his | | | | |
| fuse, especially when in response to | | | | Children with ODD need structure with an |
| something he wants to do. "He's always doing | | | | aggressive training component that is built |
| these irritating things," Pat explains, "as | | | | around learning how solve the problems that |
| if he enjoys bothering you." | | | | trigger their defiant behaviors. Your child |
| | | | becomes oppositional when he is confronted |
| Getting out of bed in the morning is the | | | | with a problem and he can't figure out how to |
| issue around which Hunter and his parents | | | | fix it. The problem can be anything from not |
| argue the most. "We've had the worst time in | | | | wanting to get up in the morning (as in |
| the world getting him up in the morning and | | | | Hunter's case) to not wanting to do homework. |
| into the shower. I know this is unbelievable, | | | | Screaming at the child to get out of bed |
| but he gets in the shower, stretches out in | | | | won't work. You need to show the child that |
| the bottom of the tub with the water beating | | | | he has a problem that has to be solved and |
| on him, and goes back to sleep. From that | | | | address it as such. Example: "Lying in bed |
| moment on, we have to micromanage his morning | | | | after your alarm goes off won't solve your |
| to get him to the bus stop." | | | | problem. It makes you late and you miss the |
| | | | bus. What can you do to solve your problem?" |
| Recently, Hunter was diagnosed with | | | | |
| Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Pat | | | | The focus of treatment should be on |
| finally has a name for the behavior that's | | | | developing compliance and coping skills, not |
| been exhausting her all these years. Now, she | | | | primarily on self-esteem or personality. ODD |
| needs a solution. How does a parent stop the | | | | is not a self-esteem issue; it's a problem |
| arguments with a child whose primary way of | | | | solving issue. There's no evidence that |
| communicating is arguing? | | | | self-esteem leads to compliance, and emotions |
| | | | are not, in and of themselves, a way to kids |
| James Lehman: A day with a child who has | | | | to cope with their problems. Kids get |
| Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series of | | | | self-esteem by doing things that are hard for |
| battles in an undeclared war. It starts when | | | | them. |
| they wake up, continues at breakfast, | | | | |
| intensifies when they have to get dressed, | | | | Children with ODD need a lot of strong praise |
| and doesn't end until they fight with you | | | | and support as well as realistic rewards. |
| over bedtime. | | | | They don't benefit from a pat on the back for |
| | | | doing something that's easy for them to do. |
| Kids with ODD lose their temper quickly and | | | | They should be praised for doing things that |
| often. They're easily annoyed and frustrated | | | | are challenging to them. Don't create false |
| by other people, resentful and hostile with | | | | situations for which to praise them to make |
| adults, bossy and pushy with other kids. They | | | | them "feel better." Parents need to learn |
| blame everyone else for their difficulties | | | | several different parenting styles that meet |
| and make excuses for their inability to cope. | | | | the needs of this child. You need to be less |
| They gravitate toward negative peers and tend | | | | of a "cheerleader" and more of a trainer and |
| to be sulking, angry adolescents. | | | | coach. |
| | | | |
| Unrestricted free time is a breeding ground | | | | Avoid senseless power struggles. Pick your |
| for aggressive behavior for these children. | | | | battles with your child carefully and win the |
| In an unstructured environment, they become | | | | ones you pick. Many times you can win fights |
| annoying, threatening or destructive to kids | | | | with this child by not arguing back. When you |
| around them and to adult authority figures. | | | | argue with him, his resistance strengthens. |
| They will use this time to deliberately | | | | Instead of arguing, set limits in a |
| antagonize anyone they see as "in charge." | | | | businesslike way and expect compliance. |
| | | | |
| As a parent, you can't satisfy a child with | | | | Have a plan for managing your child's |
| ODD, since their thinking is irrational. They | | | | behavior. When you're going to the mall, know |
| beg for your attention and then want to be | | | | what you'll do when he acts out in the car. |
| left alone. The sad truth is, kids with ODD | | | | It's important to lay out the rules ahead of |
| aren't very likeable. Parents often feel | | | | time, when things are calm. For instance, |
| guilty about the fact that they love their | | | | before you go to the mall, tell the child, |
| kids, but don't like being around them. | | | | "When you lose it in the car, it becomes |
| | | | dangerous for me and for everyone because |
| Parents get blamed for their child's | | | | it's distracting. So if you lose it in the |
| oppositional behavior and tend to heap even | | | | car, I'm going to pull over for five minutes, |
| more blame on themselves. The parent of a | | | | and I'm not going to talk to you. You'll have |
| child with ODD often feels incompetent and | | | | five minutes to get your act together. If, |
| isolated. They live with the self-imposed | | | | after five minutes, you have not regained |
| shame that other people think they're bad | | | | control of yourself, then we're not going to |
| parents, and that humiliation grows larger as | | | | the mall. We're going to turn around and go |
| their world gets smaller. Left untreated, | | | | home. Have a plan you'll use if he throws a |
| Oppositional Defiant Disorder can lead to | | | | tantrum in the store or if he acts out at a |
| Conduct Disorder, a more serious pathology | | | | family gathering. And be willing to follow |
| that is a precursor for anti-social behavior | | | | through on the plan until the child learns |
| and criminality. | | | | defiance doesn't get him what he wants. |
| | | | |
| Of course, for many parents, ODD is not the | | | | Parents dealing with ODD need a powerful mix |
| primary issue. Rather, they are dealing with | | | | of determination and strength. You can have a |
| continuous, low-level defiance that is not | | | | child with ODD and a peaceful home. The key |
| incendiary and aggressive, but is | | | | is to decide: Are you going to change the |
| aggravating, annoying and disruptive to the | | | | world for your child or teach him to cope |
| family. Whether the defiance has turned into | | | | with it? It's not practical or effective to |
| a diagnosis of ODD or has not, the parent's | | | | try to change the world for your kid. But by |
| approach should be the same. | | | | setting limits consistently, concisely and |
| | | | clearly, you will teach your child to cope |
| How to Stop the War and Restore Peace at Home | | | | with the world and succeed in it. |
| | | | |
| Most parents lack the tools to deal with | | | | Copyright 2007. EmpoweringParents. |
| oppositional defiance. So they generally | | | | |