| When Hunter was a baby, Pat never | | | | responses that includes negotiating, |
| imagined parenting him would mean | | | | bargaining, giving in, threatening and |
| becoming stuck in an argument with him | | | | screaming. The problem is when you |
| lasting 15 years. From the time he was | | | | scream, argue or negotiate, you are |
| old enough to express himself, it seemed | | | | giving your child's defiance even more |
| that he was looking to start a fight | | | | power. |
| with her. | | | | Everyone from the school psychologist to |
| "He's a very strong-willed person," says | | | | your mother-in-law will tell you what |
| Pat, her polite demeanor belying an | | | | this child needs is "structure." But no |
| obvious understatement. "He's | | | | one really shows you what kind of |
| manipulative, and he learned at a very | | | | structure and how to put it in place. |
| young age how to make that work for him | | | | It's not as easy as giving the child a |
| to get what he wanted." | | | | time out. A child with ODD won't use the |
| The simplest things always seem to turn | | | | time out to change his thinking. He'll |
| into huge problems because Hunter simply | | | | use it to plot revenge. Parents have to |
| refuses to do what he is asked to do, | | | | change their style of parenting and mode |
| whether it was brushing his teeth at age | | | | of operation with the child. |
| five, or raking the yard at age 15. The | | | | Children with ODD need structure with an |
| word "no" lights his fuse, especially | | | | aggressive training component that is |
| when in response to something he wants | | | | built around learning how solve the |
| to do. "He's always doing these | | | | problems that trigger their defiant |
| irritating things," Pat explains, "as if | | | | behaviors. Your child becomes |
| he enjoys bothering you." | | | | oppositional when he is confronted with |
| Getting out of bed in the morning is the | | | | a problem and he can't figure out how to |
| issue around which Hunter and his | | | | fix it. The problem can be anything from |
| parents argue the most. "We've had the | | | | not wanting to get up in the morning (as |
| worst time in the world getting him up | | | | in Hunter's case) to not wanting to do |
| in the morning and into the shower. I | | | | homework. Screaming at the child to get |
| know this is unbelievable, but he gets | | | | out of bed won't work. You need to show |
| in the shower, stretches out in the | | | | the child that he has a problem that has |
| bottom of the tub with the water beating | | | | to be solved and address it as such. |
| on him, and goes back to sleep. From | | | | Example: "Lying in bed after your alarm |
| that moment on, we have to micromanage | | | | goes off won't solve your problem. It |
| his morning to get him to the bus stop." | | | | makes you late and you miss the bus. |
| Recently, Hunter was diagnosed with | | | | What can you do to solve your problem?" |
| Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Pat | | | | The focus of treatment should be on |
| finally has a name for the behavior | | | | developing compliance and coping skills, |
| that's been exhausting her all these | | | | not primarily on self-esteem or |
| years. Now, she needs a solution. How | | | | personality. ODD is not a self-esteem |
| does a parent stop the arguments with a | | | | issue; it's a problem solving issue. |
| child whose primary way of communicating | | | | There's no evidence that self-esteem |
| is arguing? | | | | leads to compliance, and emotions are |
| James Lehman: A day with a child who has | | | | not, in and of themselves, a way to kids |
| Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a | | | | to cope with their problems. Kids get |
| series of battles in an undeclared war. | | | | self-esteem by doing things that are |
| It starts when they wake up, continues | | | | hard for them. |
| at breakfast, intensifies when they have | | | | Children with ODD need a lot of strong |
| to get dressed, and doesn't end until | | | | praise and support as well as realistic |
| they fight with you over bedtime. | | | | rewards. They don't benefit from a pat |
| Kids with ODD lose their temper quickly | | | | on the back for doing something that's |
| and often. They're easily annoyed and | | | | easy for them to do. They should be |
| frustrated by other people, resentful | | | | praised for doing things that are |
| and hostile with adults, bossy and pushy | | | | challenging to them. Don't create false |
| with other kids. They blame everyone | | | | situations for which to praise them to |
| else for their difficulties and make | | | | make them "feel better." Parents need to |
| excuses for their inability to cope. | | | | learn several different parenting styles |
| They gravitate toward negative peers and | | | | that meet the needs of this child. You |
| tend to be sulking, angry adolescents. | | | | need to be less of a "cheerleader" and |
| Unrestricted free time is a breeding | | | | more of a trainer and coach. |
| ground for aggressive behavior for these | | | | Avoid senseless power struggles. Pick |
| children. In an unstructured | | | | your battles with your child carefully |
| environment, they become annoying, | | | | and win the ones you pick. Many times |
| threatening or destructive to kids | | | | you can win fights with this child by |
| around them and to adult authority | | | | not arguing back. When you argue with |
| figures. They will use this time to | | | | him, his resistance strengthens. Instead |
| deliberately antagonize anyone they see | | | | of arguing, set limits in a businesslike |
| as "in charge." | | | | way and expect compliance. |
| As a parent, you can't satisfy a child | | | | Have a plan for managing your child's |
| with ODD, since their thinking is | | | | behavior. When you're going to the mall, |
| irrational. They beg for your attention | | | | know what you'll do when he acts out in |
| and then want to be left alone. The sad | | | | the car. It's important to lay out the |
| truth is, kids with ODD aren't very | | | | rules ahead of time, when things are |
| likeable. Parents often feel guilty | | | | calm. For instance, before you go to the |
| about the fact that they love their | | | | mall, tell the child, "When you lose it |
| kids, but don't like being around them. | | | | in the car, it becomes dangerous for me |
| Parents get blamed for their child's | | | | and for everyone because it's |
| oppositional behavior and tend to heap | | | | distracting. So if you lose it in the |
| even more blame on themselves. The | | | | car, I'm going to pull over for five |
| parent of a child with ODD often feels | | | | minutes, and I'm not going to talk to |
| incompetent and isolated. They live with | | | | you. You'll have five minutes to get |
| the self-imposed shame that other people | | | | your act together. If, after five |
| think they're bad parents, and that | | | | minutes, you have not regained control |
| humiliation grows larger as their world | | | | of yourself, then we're not going to the |
| gets smaller. Left untreated, | | | | mall. We're going to turn around and go |
| Oppositional Defiant Disorder can lead | | | | home. Have a plan you'll use if he |
| to Conduct Disorder, a more serious | | | | throws a tantrum in the store or if he |
| pathology that is a precursor for | | | | acts out at a family gathering. And be |
| anti-social behavior and criminality. | | | | willing to follow through on the plan |
| Of course, for many parents, ODD is not | | | | until the child learns defiance doesn't |
| the primary issue. Rather, they are | | | | get him what he wants. |
| dealing with continuous, low-level | | | | Parents dealing with ODD need a powerful |
| defiance that is not incendiary and | | | | mix of determination and strength. You |
| aggressive, but is aggravating, annoying | | | | can have a child with ODD and a peaceful |
| and disruptive to the family. Whether | | | | home. The key is to decide: Are you |
| the defiance has turned into a diagnosis | | | | going to change the world for your child |
| of ODD or has not, the parent's approach | | | | or teach him to cope with it? It's not |
| should be the same. | | | | practical or effective to try to change |
| How to Stop the War and Restore Peace at | | | | the world for your kid. But by setting |
| Home | | | | limits consistently, concisely and |
| Most parents lack the tools to deal with | | | | clearly, you will teach your child to |
| oppositional defiance. So they generally | | | | cope with the world and succeed in it. |
| respond to this behavior with a range of | | | | Copyright 2007. EmpoweringParents. |