| When Hunter was a baby, Pat never
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| | bargaining, giving in, threatening and
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| imagined parenting him would mean
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| | screaming. The problem is when you
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| becoming stuck in an argument with him
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| | scream, argue or negotiate, you are
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| lasting 15 years. From the time he was
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| | giving your child's defiance even more
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| old enough to express himself, it seemed
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| | power.
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| that he was looking to start a fight with
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| | Everyone from the school psychologist to
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| her.
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| | your mother-in-law will tell you what
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| "He's a very strong-willed person," says
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| | this child needs is "structure." But no
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| Pat, her polite demeanor belying an
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| | one really shows you what kind of
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| obvious understatement. "He's
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| | structure and how to put it in place.
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| manipulative, and he learned at a very
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| | It's not as easy as giving the child a
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| young age how to make that work for him
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| | time out. A child with ODD won't use the
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| to get what he wanted."
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| | time out to change his thinking. He'll
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| The simplest things always seem to turn
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| | use it to plot revenge. Parents have to
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| into huge problems because Hunter simply
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| | change their style of parenting and mode
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| refuses to do what he is asked to do,
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| | of operation with the child.
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| whether it was brushing his teeth at age
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| | Children with ODD need structure with an
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| five, or raking the yard at age 15. The
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| | aggressive training component that is
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| word "no" lights his fuse, especially
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| | built around learning how solve the
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| when in response to something he wants to
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| | problems that trigger their defiant
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| do. "He's always doing these irritating
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| | behaviors. Your child becomes
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| things," Pat explains, "as if he enjoys
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| | oppositional when he is confronted with a
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| bothering you."
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| | problem and he can't figure out how to
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| Getting out of bed in the morning is the
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| | fix it. The problem can be anything from
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| issue around which Hunter and his parents
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| | not wanting to get up in the morning (as
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| argue the most. "We've had the worst time
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| | in Hunter's case) to not wanting to do
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| in the world getting him up in the
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| | homework. Screaming at the child to get
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| morning and into the shower. I know this
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| | out of bed won't work. You need to show
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| is unbelievable, but he gets in the
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| | the child that he has a problem that has
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| shower, stretches out in the bottom of
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| | to be solved and address it as such.
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| the tub with the water beating on him,
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| | Example: "Lying in bed after your alarm
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| and goes back to sleep. From that moment
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| | goes off won't solve your problem. It
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| on, we have to micromanage his morning to
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| | makes you late and you miss the bus. What
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| get him to the bus stop."
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| | can you do to solve your problem?"
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| Recently, Hunter was diagnosed with
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| | The focus of treatment should be on
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| Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Pat
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| | developing compliance and coping skills,
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| finally has a name for the behavior
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| | not primarily on self-esteem or
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| that's been exhausting her all these
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| | personality. ODD is not a self-esteem
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| years. Now, she needs a solution. How
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| | issue; it's a problem solving issue.
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| does a parent stop the arguments with a
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| | There's no evidence that self-esteem
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| child whose primary way of communicating
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| | leads to compliance, and emotions are
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| is arguing?
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| | not, in and of themselves, a way to kids
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| James Lehman: A day with a child who has
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| | to cope with their problems. Kids get
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| Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series
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| | self-esteem by doing things that are hard
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| of battles in an undeclared war. It
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| | for them.
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| starts when they wake up, continues at
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| | Children with ODD need a lot of strong
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| breakfast, intensifies when they have to
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| | praise and support as well as realistic
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| get dressed, and doesn't end until they
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| | rewards. They don't benefit from a pat on
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| fight with you over bedtime.
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| | the back for doing something that's easy
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| Kids with ODD lose their temper quickly
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| | for them to do. They should be praised
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| and often. They're easily annoyed and
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| | for doing things that are challenging to
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| frustrated by other people, resentful and
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| | them. Don't create false situations for
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| hostile with adults, bossy and pushy with
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| | which to praise them to make them "feel
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| other kids. They blame everyone else for
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| | better." Parents need to learn several
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| their difficulties and make excuses for
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| | different parenting styles that meet the
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| their inability to cope. They gravitate
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| | needs of this child. You need to be less
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| toward negative peers and tend to be
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| | of a "cheerleader" and more of a trainer
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| sulking, angry adolescents.
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| | and coach.
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| Unrestricted free time is a breeding
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| | Avoid senseless power struggles. Pick
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| ground for aggressive behavior for these
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| | your battles with your child carefully
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| children. In an unstructured environment,
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| | and win the ones you pick. Many times you
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| they become annoying, threatening or
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| | can win fights with this child by not
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| destructive to kids around them and to
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| | arguing back. When you argue with him,
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| adult authority figures. They will use
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| | his resistance strengthens. Instead of
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| this time to deliberately antagonize
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| | arguing, set limits in a businesslike way
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| anyone they see as "in charge."
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| | and expect compliance.
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| As a parent, you can't satisfy a child
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| | Have a plan for managing your child's
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| with ODD, since their thinking is
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| | behavior. When you're going to the mall,
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| irrational. They beg for your attention
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| | know what you'll do when he acts out in
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| and then want to be left alone. The sad
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| | the car. It's important to lay out the
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| truth is, kids with ODD aren't very
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| | rules ahead of time, when things are
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| likeable. Parents often feel guilty about
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| | calm. For instance, before you go to the
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| the fact that they love their kids, but
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| | mall, tell the child, "When you lose it
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| don't like being around them.
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| | in the car, it becomes dangerous for me
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| Parents get blamed for their child's
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| | and for everyone because it's
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| oppositional behavior and tend to heap
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| | distracting. So if you lose it in the
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| even more blame on themselves. The parent
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| | car, I'm going to pull over for five
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| of a child with ODD often feels
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| | minutes, and I'm not going to talk to
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| incompetent and isolated. They live with
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| | you. You'll have five minutes to get your
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| the self-imposed shame that other people
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| | act together. If, after five minutes, you
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| think they're bad parents, and that
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| | have not regained control of yourself,
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| humiliation grows larger as their world
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| | then we're not going to the mall. We're
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| gets smaller. Left untreated,
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| | going to turn around and go home. Have a
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| Oppositional Defiant Disorder can lead to
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| | plan you'll use if he throws a tantrum in
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| Conduct Disorder, a more serious
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| | the store or if he acts out at a family
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| pathology that is a precursor for
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| | gathering. And be willing to follow
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| anti-social behavior and criminality.
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| | through on the plan until the child
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| Of course, for many parents, ODD is not
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| | learns defiance doesn't get him what he
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| the primary issue. Rather, they are
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| | wants.
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| dealing with continuous, low-level
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| | Parents dealing with ODD need a powerful
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| defiance that is not incendiary and
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| | mix of determination and strength. You
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| aggressive, but is aggravating, annoying
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| | can have a child with ODD and a peaceful
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| and disruptive to the family. Whether the
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| | home. The key is to decide: Are you going
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| defiance has turned into a diagnosis of
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| | to change the world for your child or
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| ODD or has not, the parent's approach
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| | teach him to cope with it? It's not
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| should be the same.
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| | practical or effective to try to change
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| How to Stop the War and Restore Peace at
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| | the world for your kid. But by setting
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| Home
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| | limits consistently, concisely and
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| Most parents lack the tools to deal with
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| | clearly, you will teach your child to
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| oppositional defiance. So they generally
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| | cope with the world and succeed in it.
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| respond to this behavior with a range of
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| | Copyright 2007. EmpoweringParents.
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| responses that includes negotiating,
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| |
|
