| Fear! It seems to strike you often when your | | | | situation with you, rather than finessing what you |
| child is in your presence, particularly when you | | | | want. The result is your child digs in her/his heels, |
| appear in public. How can everyone else describe | | | | and you are in for a fight. Try rephrasing your |
| your child with words like "quiet, well-mannered, | | | | requests in a manner that allows the child to |
| and polite?" Are they talking about the same child | | | | arrive at an acceptable decision and is not |
| that becomes a terrorist in your presence? | | | | confrontational. Rather than barking orders at |
| What's wrong? | | | | your child, try phrasing things by presenting a fact |
| The technical term is "situational misbehavior." In | | | | with a feeling with a need. Try replacing "Please |
| other words there is something going on that | | | | go pick up your toys" with "There are toys |
| either allows, provokes or evokes, or, in some | | | | scattered all over (fact) and it must be hard to |
| way, rewards your child's inappropriate behavior | | | | keep them organized. It makes me feel |
| with you. Since it is not occurring everywhere, it | | | | uncomfortable to have them all over (feeling). I |
| is a parent issue, not a child issue. Much comes | | | | really need you to pick them up, and I would be |
| down to issues of behavioral management. Before | | | | happy to help you with them because I can see |
| you beat yourself up with guilt, let's examine each | | | | how hard it is." Warning-don't try this with a |
| of these areas. | | | | teenager. You'll hear, "If you have a problem, then |
| In some cases you may not be as consistent as | | | | you'll need to pick them up." |
| your child requires. Children, even within the same | | | | Without knowing it, you may be rewarding the |
| family, are different and often require different | | | | outbursts. This is a third possibility. As an example, |
| degrees of parenting. Remember that your child | | | | you may be ready to leave and your child wants |
| will push limits each and every time until firm | | | | a particular toy. You insist that all of you need to |
| boundaries are established. Inadvertently in the | | | | leave immediately. Your child, sensing your |
| past you may have not paid attention to | | | | urgency, uses it against you and starts crying or |
| non-compliant behavior until the behaviors became | | | | arguing. You become louder, but the crying turns |
| very noticeable. This gave your child a power | | | | into a tantrum. You then get very angry. Your |
| base from which to operate. If this is the case, | | | | child counters with a full-fledged temper tantrum. |
| you will have to fight to regain your parent | | | | In chess terms, your king is in check. Finally, out |
| power. Hold firm! As an example, your child may | | | | of desperation, you run to get the toy so that all |
| have been called "cute" when he or she placed | | | | of you can leave. You have just rewarded your |
| one hand on a hip and with the other scolded you | | | | child's behavior. The message you so clearly |
| for something. Now you are getting that reaction | | | | communicated was that it was not an issue of |
| every time you request compliance on anything. | | | | whether or not you would give in. It was simply |
| What was once not addressed has now become | | | | an issue of how uncomfortable your child would |
| quite annoying. Simply repeat yourself in a calm | | | | have to make you before you gave in. This little |
| voice no matter how much opposition. Eventually | | | | bit of information then gets categorized and |
| the behavior will disappear. Of course, the | | | | stored in a portion of their brain called IWYL. It |
| operative word here is "eventually." | | | | stands for "I win, you lose." Make sure whatever |
| The second possibility is you are doing something | | | | you are going to be insistent upon is really worth |
| that provokes or evokes an inappropriate | | | | holding firm and you have the time and ability to |
| response. It certainly is not intentional, but results | | | | fight it. Don't make idle threats. After you have |
| are the same. This can occur for one of two | | | | made the decision to hold your ground, don't give |
| reasons. Firstly, your child may be at an age | | | | in. You are far more effective going to get that |
| where he or she has significant receptive | | | | toy to begin with than to fight only to give in to |
| language, but expressive language does not allow | | | | your terrorist's demands because the terrorist will |
| them to adequately communicate wants and | | | | return, probably at the most inopportune time. |
| needs. This results in frustration that turns to | | | | Of course, there is a fourth possibility. Maybe |
| anger mismanagement that is then externalized | | | | your child is just having a bad day. Be patient. |
| by actions rather than words. The "terrible two's" | | | | Tomorrow is a new day. |
| is an example of just such a situation. Secondly, | | | | ©Copyright Yellen & Associates 2009. |
| you may be placing your child in a win or lose | | | | All rights reserved. |