| Let's presume you have covered these first two | | | | schoolwork and allowance. Money becomes a way |
| basic steps in your behavior change program: | | | | to try to control the child's behavior. |
| 1. You have worked with your child to establish | | | | Consequence: Your child decides what activity he |
| The Rules and why they are important. [Rules | | | | will have to miss on the weekend in order to |
| may be specifically set out poster- style guidelines | | | | finish the project. Chores and other obligations |
| or agreements, or they may be less specifically | | | | remain as usual. No need for parental control, only |
| stated but understood limits and boundaries.] | | | | to watch over to see that the child handles the |
| 2. You have worked with your child to establish | | | | problem. Do you see how rule and consequence |
| The Reward System related to following the | | | | have a natural connection? |
| rules. [Rewards may be tangible items or the | | | | A Case Study: Two Versions |
| natural payoffs and pleasures related to | | | | Two children are fighting over a Gameboy. Mom |
| accomplishing the business of life.] | | | | hears this going on in the other room. Mom |
| Next, you establish The Consequences. Your kids | | | | comes in and takes away the Gameboy, and |
| need to know what will happen when they do and | | | | attempts to separate the kids, sending them to |
| do not do what is expected. Consequences teach | | | | their rooms. They refuse to go. Mom yells and |
| that for every action there is a corresponding | | | | loses her cool. Mom then tries a different tack, |
| reaction. That reaction can be of the feel-good | | | | telling the children, they will have to split the time |
| type and it can also be negative because | | | | each has with the Gameboy, since they can't |
| something pleasurable is unavailable. Our focus | | | | share it appropriately. But she decides to first |
| here is to look at the negative side of | | | | separate them and hear each story and make a |
| consequences and what it takes for our | | | | judgment call who plays with the Gameboy first. |
| challenging loved ones to shift their behavior to | | | | Nothing is solved, the argument carries on until |
| the positive, rewarding side. | | | | mom and kids are frazzled. |
| The internal workings of punishments and | | | | What happened here? Mom took on the |
| consequences are very different. Here are the | | | | responsibility, resulting in a no-win power struggle. |
| distinctions: | | | | The kids did not cooperate with her solution, they |
| Punishment revolves around who has the power. | | | | challenged her authority, she felt forced to back |
| Punishment encourages a struggle between | | | | down and come up with another solution and set |
| parent and child. | | | | herself up for something she has to police - who's |
| Consequences force the child to struggle with the | | | | first, who's second? The process got time |
| problem, instead of the parent. The power the | | | | intensive as mom collected and sorted information |
| child does have is to work on a solution. | | | | and after all that, the problem was not solved. |
| Punishment puts the entire responsibility on the | | | | That was real punishment - for mom! |
| parent.The parent has to be on site to make sure | | | | Case Study: The Consequence Version |
| the punishment happens according to plan. | | | | When mom hears the kids fighting, she comes |
| Consequences take the burden off the parent. | | | | into the room and firmly says, "STOP! You must |
| The child learns life lessons by taking on | | | | get along before you can have the Gameboy |
| appropriate responsibilities for the problem. | | | | back. The Gameboy will stay on the kitchen table |
| Punishment teaches a child to conceal and lie. | | | | until you can figure out how to share it." That's it! |
| When kids fear punishment, and try to cover up | | | | What happened this time? Mom handled the |
| a problem, it layers on additional issues for | | | | conflict, setting out a safety rule for the kids and |
| parents to handle. | | | | boundaries about where the Gameboy is to be |
| With consequences, your child cannot avoid the | | | | kept and for how long. But she has not solved |
| results of her behavior. She is has to take action | | | | the problem. That's the kids' job. Mom exits the |
| to solve or rectify a matter. | | | | scene and the kids know the Gameboy is |
| Example | | | | available when they figure out how to share it. |
| A child leaves a homework project to the last | | | | Mom is not needed again. And the kids have an |
| minute. | | | | opportunity to work out a solution that will carry |
| Compare | | | | forward to the next time. |
| Punishment: The parent takes away this week's | | | | Whether it's your toddler or your teen, you can |
| allowance. There is no natural relationship between | | | | hand over the problem-solving to them. |