| Last time I shared with you the first five of ten | | | | Beginning conversation with the phrase, "That's |
| ways someone can betray a complete LACK of | | | | nothing, I..." is the telltale sign that it's going on. |
| social skill through their conversational style. Your | | | | 4) Giving Unsolicited Advice |
| response to that first part has run the entire | | | | Now let's turn our attention to the practice of |
| gamut from serious to hilarious, but one thing's for | | | | giving advice when it hasn't been asked for. This |
| sure: You DID NOT WANT TO WAIT to hear the | | | | is really a tough one. Why? Because 99.9% of the |
| second half. | | | | time people who can't help but give others |
| So far be it from me to keep it from you. Here | | | | unsolicited advice really MEAN WELL. They're good |
| is the second half of the list-and I've saved a few | | | | people and they just want to help someone else |
| of the REALLY SUBTLE ones for last! | | | | avoid trouble. |
| 1) Hating All Sorts Of Stuff | | | | Even more troublesome, then, is how confused |
| There has been a lot of talk lately by many about | | | | they feel when nobody wants to hang out with |
| "eliminating negative people" from their lives. Well, | | | | them...when they're genuinely trying to be NICE. |
| there's been a whole lot of ACTION, also. With | | | | The problem, however, is that most of us FEEL |
| more of a spotlight on the issue than ever, | | | | STUPID when subjected to someone else's |
| human "radar" is tuned in to detect "haters" more | | | | "eminent wisdom". We may also perceive the |
| than ever. | | | | advice-giver's liberty at bestowing it upon us as a |
| If you freely express your disdain for job, | | | | bit arrogant. |
| coworkers, acquaintances, minor inconveniences, | | | | So we don't generally like people who give out |
| TV shows, restaurants and..well...EVERYTHING | | | | advice we didn't ask for. We find their input pushy |
| ELSE; don't be surprised when people stop | | | | or even borderline manipulative. Often, we even |
| wanting to hang out with you. | | | | go so far as to think of such people as |
| For the record, anything that falls under the | | | | under-qualified to even GIVE such advice, don't |
| heading "complaining" is exactly what we're talking | | | | we? |
| about here. Now granted, you can't be expected | | | | But man...when you really care about someone |
| to blow sunshine up people's skirts all the time. But | | | | and know he or she is headed for a MAJOR |
| instead of 24/7, aim (as always) for 85/15. | | | | mistake, it's all but impossible to bite our tongue, |
| And by the way, if you are of the opinion that | | | | isn't it? We may feel at times that it's a flat-out |
| being positive, spreading optimism and encouraging | | | | MORAL IMPERATIVE to step in. |
| others is dorky and lame, I have a challenge for | | | | So we might say, "You know, if I were you I |
| you. Make your next ten Facebook updates and | | | | would..." And such is often responded to with a line |
| or Twitter posts expressly positive: words of | | | | like, "Hey look, if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for |
| encouragement, optimistic quotes, etc. | | | | it!" |
| Then watch the MASSIVE difference in how | | | | From a social perspective, it's surprisingly often |
| people respond to you. Let that be your "field | | | | the best idea just to let people make their |
| test" of the premise we're discussing here. I | | | | mistakes. When and if the chips are REALLY |
| promise that a similar dynamic will occur when | | | | down, try asking permission to share some insight: |
| you interact more positively with people offline, | | | | "Would you mind if I offered you a suggestion?" |
| too. | | | | Often you'll get a favorable response when |
| 2) Badmouthing Others / Talking Behind | | | | you've taken the time to respect someone's |
| Someone's Back | | | | judgment ahead of time like that. |
| We mentioned spreading unsubstantiated rumors | | | | And interestingly, the more respect you GIVE, |
| last time. This is similar, but with a distinct twist. | | | | the more others tend to respect YOUR advice. |
| This is essentially all about sharing info with | | | | Life is funny like that. |
| someone about someone else that you really | | | | 5) Pre-Assuming Social Awkwardness |
| hope doesn't get back to them. For example, you | | | | I believe I've saved the most fascinating one for |
| may tell a friend that you really can't stand a | | | | last. |
| common acquaintance...although when you are in | | | | Based on the title of this section, you may be |
| that other person's presence you smile and keep | | | | asking yourself who in their right mind would |
| your opinion to yourself. | | | | ASSUME a social situation would turn out |
| Or, you may share potentially damaging or | | | | awkward ahead of time? I mean, why even |
| disparaging info with a friend about someone else. | | | | attempt to be social if your intent is to make |
| Whether the subject of your wrath is a "friend" | | | | things awkward? |
| or not is irrelevant in this case. The truth is that | | | | Well, what if I told you people do this ALL THE |
| time and again studies prove that when someone | | | | TIME? Actually, the dynamic can play out in any |
| actively badmouths someone else, the listener is | | | | number of very specific ways. Let me offer a |
| more likely to assign the negative characteristics | | | | few examples and you'll quickly see EXACTLY |
| in question to the SPEAKER rather than to the | | | | what I mean. |
| SUBJECT of the conversation. | | | | First, someone may say, "With all due respect..." |
| Welcome to why we all tend to walk away from | | | | at the beginning of a sentence. Invariably, |
| a salesman at X-Motors car dealership when he | | | | something disrespectful is about to come out of |
| starts telling us how terrible a Y-Motors pickup | | | | that person's mouth when that happens. He or |
| truck is. And we become more likely to ultimately | | | | she KNOWS it's potentially disrespectful, but is |
| drive off in a Y-Motors truck. | | | | going to say it anyway. |
| What goes for business goes for social settings | | | | Or, the phrase "Don't take this the wrong way..." |
| also. And a lot of us "un sell ourselves", as a friend | | | | may be used. Clearly, the speaker expects what |
| of mine who is a sales consultant often says. | | | | is about to be said to be potentially offensive. |
| The real world test? If you find yourself saying, | | | | Perhaps someone may lead with, "I hope this |
| "Don't tell him I told you this but..." it's time to | | | | doesn't come out the wrong, but..." In that case, |
| check yourself. | | | | someone is literally PLANNING to be |
| 3) One-upmanship | | | | misunderstood. |
| I am a huge fan of Dilbert comics. Having come | | | | Lack of respect, offensive statements and |
| from a Bell-shaped IT world, I plead the fifth on | | | | wanton misunderstanding were NOT signs of solid |
| that. Nonetheless, there's a recurring character in | | | | social skills last time I checked. |
| Dilbert named "Topper" who habitually exerts | | | | So that wraps up the list. |
| "one-upmanship" on his colleagues. That is, no | | | | Again, like I said last time, don't beat yourself up |
| matter what positive thing someone else has | | | | too much if any of these look familiar to you. I'm |
| achieved, he can do (or has done) better. | | | | pretty sure almost all of us have been guilty of |
| In the comic version, Topper's self-proclaimed | | | | almost ALL TEN at one point or another in our |
| amazing feats are greatly exaggerated for effect.. | | | | lives, right? |
| And the reason it's so flippin' hilarious is because | | | | Now that you have the list in front of you, you |
| we ALL know someone like that. We've all been | | | | have objective examples to help guide the way. |
| subject to it-and we've all been annoyed to no | | | | That'll make it TONS easier to check yourself |
| end by it. | | | | when you see potential situations arise. Simply |
| It appears to be a sign of quintessential arrogance | | | | KNOWING what a wrong-headed approach looks |
| on the surface. But at its core it's really just | | | | like can be all it takes to prevent southbound |
| needy, approval-seeking weakness. As you can | | | | social skills from making and unwelcome |
| guess, one-upmanship is a KILLER for sure. | | | | appearance. |